last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
