and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
