i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
