My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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