Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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