I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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