He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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