Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
