Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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