nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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