We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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