I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize