You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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