His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
