I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
