Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
