I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
