i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
