I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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