Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
