I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize