the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
