you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
