He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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