Your face is a jimmy john
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
did i walk over a car last night?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
