Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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