Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
