belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
