I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
