I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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