Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
