Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
