im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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