her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
