how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
