Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
