4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize