I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
