Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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