sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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