I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
