im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
