mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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