It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
