you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
