You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
