I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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