I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
