you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
