Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
