dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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