Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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