So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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