You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Sext me about skeletons
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize