I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I smell like Dick and happiness
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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