can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
