I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
