i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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