Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
