Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
