I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
