I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
