I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize