i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
