She's JV to your varsity
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
